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It’s finally stating to slow down at work not that I’m surprised because the end of July/the beginning of August into September is the traditional ‘slow season’ for my work because the Summer vacation season is winding down, the school year is ramping up, and that results in a slow season for the rental car industry… at least at my branch and that’s because a good 60% of my branches business is through the local bodyshops/dealerships that are around and as the traffic slows down in late July through September the number of crashes/accidents/breakdowns decreases which results in me actually having some time to sit in a chair and rest a bit as I’m Service Agent which entails driving people to and from various locations and cleaning and washing the cars that will be rented… I enjoy my position currently partly because of the work and partly because of the health insurance, but is it a career?… No… I’m still kinda figuring out what I want to do with my career… as soon as I figure that out I’ll let y’all know…

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I’m lazy. For which I apologize.

I started this series wanting to write

Every day for this month, but life/

Laziness got in my way. But I’ll

 

Forge ahead and do my best to not

Procrastinate as is my usual

Way of doing things. In other news…

If you haven’t listened to the musical

 

Group ‘Royal Blood’ what are you doing with

With your life? Unless you’re not a straight up

Rock fan. In which case, you do you boo boo.

To each their own and I respect your choices

 

In music. In other news… I bought a

New bicycle… frame-set and I’m super

Excited to build it and add my own

Flair to said build. Do I have spreadsheet

 

With my dream build and price? Yes, I do. Come

At me bro! I’m a geek and proud! What’s up?!

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Fair Warning: This is gonna get real heavy real quick.

For the past at least 5 years I’ve said that I’ll probably need another surgery around age 30.

I’m around age 30.

FUUUUCK…

I only came to that realization at therapy this morning. I got a call 4-6 weeks ago that I was due for my annual check-up and I’ve been putting off calling them back to set up an appointment because subconsciously I didn’t want to face it. It being the fact that my prophecy might be coming true.

My eternal optimism did take a hit when I realized that.

But 12 hours later and it’s still a bit hurt.

I’m scared.

But… I’m scared.

It sucks I have to go through this, but my father has had 6 hip replacements, my sister has had kidney stones multiple times, one of my grandmothers has had cancer multiple times. We all deal with the shit that is life. Some are dealt a better hand than others, but we all deal with some sort of shit now and then. My shit just happens to be chronic and every-so-often for the extent of my life.

I’m scared

I’m scared, but I’ll face it and conquer it. Because, like I said above, I’m the eternal optimist. And this won’t get me. I’ve gone through two of these already. Who’s to say I won’t be able to get through a 3rd?

Being scared is ok.

Bowing to being scared is ok.

Not getting your annual check up done is not ok.

My task from my therapist this week is to call and schedule my annual check-up.

I will do this.
I have to do this.

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I’ve been super weepy in the past week

Or so. It was curious to me at first, but

Upon reflection, I’ve been off my meds

For three weeks. While that doesn’t sound long

 

Apparently it’s more than enough to

Take you from stable to not so much which

Includes getting more weepy at smaller

Emotional cues. Music has always hit me harder

 

Than other forms of art, but I haven’t

Ever gotten teary listening to Hayley

Williams sing her songs. Which is fine with

Me… at home. I’d rather not do that at

 

Work or in the car. But since I’m back

On my medicines I’m back to my

Even keeled temper, which is nice.

For the first time in too long I’m seeing

 

My Therapist tomorrow and I’m quite

Excited to see her as she makes my life more bright.

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I wrote about my increasing love for you last night

Though I may have overstepped my bounds. I was

Projecting my feels on you. I hope you can forgive me

As I was feeling a lot of feels, as evidenced by yesterdays poem.

 

I won’t retract my potentially puppy love post as I

Still have that feeling. What I will go back on is my questions

Directed towards you. Like ‘did you want to play footsie?’

Or ‘Did you want me to offer a hand?’ Those are questions

 

Directed at me and not you. I’m still figuring out if what I felt

Was long held puppy love or possibly something more,

But I’ll only find out when we next meet or even beyond that.

And to conclude this poem I just wanted to mention, when I was

 

Watching Deadpool, the female lead reminded me of someone

And it turns out it was you. I hope you’ve had a good week!

 

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I’ve felt this way for many a girl

But you constantly stick in my mind

I’ve known you for many a year

Though as we’ve matured, so has my love

 

I’ve always looked for love but always slightly

In vein. But over the last couple years I’ve fallen

From interested to infatuation to almost in love

I only classify because I want your thoughts

 

Do you have similar thoughts/feelings?

Were my shoulder to shoulder touches too much

Or too little? Did you want me to offer a hand to hold

Or play a game of footsie to express my interest?

 

I would’ve played footsie but my social anxiety

Slash my hesitancy with romantic engagement

Got in the way. If you have similar feelings/thoughts

 

Slash wanted me to engage in a romantic fashion

I hope you can forgive me. I’ll always be her if you need me.

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I’ve felt this way for many a girl

But you constantly stick in my mind

I’ve known you for many a year

Though as we’ve matured, so has my love

 

I’ve always looked for love but always slightly

In vein. But over the last couple years I’ve fallen

From interested to infatuation to almost in love

I only classify because I want your thoughts

 

Do you have similar thoughts/feelings?

Were my shoulder to shoulder touches too much

Or too little? Did you want me to offer a hand to hold

Or play a game of footsie to express my interest?

 

I would’ve played footsie but my social anxiety

Slash my hesitancy with romantic engagement

Got in the way. If you have similar feelings/thoughts

 

Slash wanted me to engage in a romantic fashion

I hope you can forgive me. I’ll always be her if you need me.

Traditional Values

Part of me loves “Traditional Values.” Ya know, values like ‘Go Gata’, or Scrubs is the greatest show of all time, or Basketball is life.

But part of me is less certain about “Traditional Values.” Such as, Heterosexual relations/marriage, Males are superior to Females, or Men can express Anger and not Sadness and Females can express Sadness and not Anger.

I should state that I’m a Liberal through and through, if that wasn’t apparent via the previous two paragraphs.

I like to work off definitions, so let’s start there.

Dictionary.com has multiple definitions of ‘Tradition.’ The first 5 definitions are concerned with handing down previously held beliefs or cultural practices. Then it gets into Religious definitions. One for each of the JudeoChristianIslamic beliefs. I’ll give the definitions verbatim:

Judaism: body of laws and doctrines, or any one of them, held to have been received from Moses and originally handed down orally from generation to generation.

Christianity: a body of teachings, or any one of them, held to have been delivered by Christ and His apostles but not originally committed to writing.

Islam: a hadith (a traditional account of things said or done by Muhammad or his companions).

So, whether Secular or Religious, tradition is akin to handing beliefs from one generation to the next. Whether it’s from Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, or more Secular beliefs, it appears tradition is tradition.

And that’s where my issues with ‘Traditional Values’ comes to a head. Mainly because if we’re constantly being taught values of the previous generation, how are we to move forward?

So, how do we reconcile having ‘Traditional Values’ with moving forward?

Learn the values of our elders/parents/grandparents, decipher the essential message of their understanding, take that understanding and figure out an understanding that fits your paradigm (hopefully that advances it a bit), and then live out that new paradigm.

For an example, I’m a born and raised Methodist and I’ve been taught, “May the Lord be with you; And also with you.”, ‘Love others as you’d have them love you.’, and “Think Beyond Yourself.”

Personally I think those are excellent Worldviews to have. But me being me, I’m a bit biased. I’d like to think I’m a progressive, but I’m not as progressive as I want to be.

For one instance, though I’ve been better about this lately, I haven’t been open to dating/romantic relations with non-white girls. That goes against 2 of my worldviews in ‘Love others as you’d have them love you’ and “Think Beyond Yourself.”

Consciously I have nothing against non-white girls as a whole, but subconsciously I’ve had reservations. I can’t specify why I’ve had reservations as I’ve had non-white friends throughout my life. I may be harboring subconscious racist beliefs.

But like I said, I’m working on it. I kissed a Black girl a few weeks ago and it was just like kissing a White girl. I can only assume kissing a Hispanic or Asian woman would be the same.

I’d like to think I’m learning to express my worldview of ‘Loving others as I’d have them love me’ and “Think Beyond Myself”, I know I have some room to grow.

Kindred Spirits

I met a friend 3 or 4 weeks ago.

I saw her sitting by herself and the dad part of me (even though I’m not a dad) took over so I approached her and asked if she was alright.

She said she was alright and that her friend had gone to the bathroom. I asked if I could sit with her. She obliged, and we spent the next couple hours talking life, anxieties, and other assorted things.

Cut to this past weekend.

She asked if I could drive her and her friend up to where her other friends were camping. I obliged (partly because I’m always willing to help a friend and partly because I wanted to see her again) and drove my friend and her friend up to Ocala, FL to join her friends for a camping trip. During the trip up the conversation was flowing and it somehow landed on psychosis and perception vs reality (which is firmly in my wheelhouse of topics). We discussed those topics for a while and she mentioned a book about psychosis which lead to a discussion about reality and I had a book in mind ready to state when she stated it (it being “The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat” by Oliver Sacks) and all I could say was “That’s the book I’ve was gonna say.”

After a quick break to figure out logistics, we headed back out and covered the remaining miles in around 30 minutes.

A drop off point was established so I drove to that point, dropped my friends off, hugged my friend I met at the bar and shook hands with her friend, and started to head home.

As I was heading out of the strip mall and back onto the main road I felt a squeeze in my chest.

I knew it was a sad feeling, though it took me about 30 minutes to place why I was feeling the squeeze.

At first I thought it might be a bit of guilt because I left my puppy alone on a Saturday afternoon. But that thought quickly resolved into “I took her to a dog park for the first time this morning. I’m sure she’s recovering.” But the more I felt it, the less I thought it was about my puppy.

Then I thought about my friend…. who is leaving the country in less than 2 weeks… and whom I just drove to Ocala, FL (with friend in tow) whilst discussing topics I love and agreeing on all of our points.

And this is where I thought of the phrase ‘kindred spirits’.

“Kindred spirits” being defined (because I love to work off definitions) as “having the same belief, attitude, or feeling”. I feel we could talk for hours multiple times a week and not get bored or cease learning from and about each other. 

To my friend whom I’m referencing, I am saying this in a strictly platonic way. I love you and if I don’t see you before Friday, I’ll see you then 🙂

I hope your week goes well,

Marshall

Religion and Me

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

If you were to ask me, “Marshall, what’s the essence of Christianity?” I would respond with the above quote or a paraphrase of the above quote (because I was never forced/strongly encouraged to memorize Bible passages). And I’d probably put extra emphasis on the second of those commandments. Not because I don’t believe in God, but because we interact with neighbors all day every day (also because God will always love us (unless you trip and place a hand on the Arc of the Covenant or are a Fig tree with no figs when it isn’t fig season or are named Job, but we’ll push those to the side for now)).

I posted an article earlier today that was about ‘nones’ and ‘dones’ and the disenchantment and frustration of my generation when it comes to religion and the doctrine/tradition that comes with it. I would be lying if I said I wan’t part of that group that’s frustrated by the current religious marketplace.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in a higher power. I firmly believe that there is power that we cannot see. I’m just kinda over the whole tradition, go to Church every week, and doctrine of it all.

I’m disenchanted by the tradition because I feel that most of the discussions are around things that were written 4,000 – 6,000 years ago and focus entirely on the words of certain passages instead of the over-arching spirit of the passage/chapter/book.

So, essentially what I want to get across is that the essence of Christianity is ‘love others as you’d have them love you’ or if you want a more direct message, to quote a sticker of my sister’s ‘don’t be a dick.’

Here’s the link to the article I mentioned above.